Most kids would sooner give up candy and maybe even an hour of Instagram than answer the question, “How was school today?” Why, exactly, is this question so objectionable? For kids, it is cliche, boring, and unengaging. For parents, it warrants one-word, monosyllabic answers such as “fine” when they prefer an elaborate response. The mismatch provides friction between parents and kids and usually results in two dissatisfied parties.
While it is not always easy, developing rapport with our children can help them improve their communication skills and build emotional intelligence. Dialogue encourages self-reflection, resilience, and a closer parent-child bond. Here are ten tips for the new and improved version of the “How was school today” scenario.
1) Instead of asking questions that warrant one-word answers, ask more specific and engaging questions. For example, “What was the best thing that happened today?” or “What made you laugh today?” or “Is there anything that you learned today that was exciting or that you did not know?” These questions help your children focus on the positive and evoke a response more significant than “good” or “bad.” Another line of questioning might be, “Was there anything challenging today?” or “What is one thing that you wish was different?” allows kids to express their frustrations and think about solutions.
2) Become an active listener. Active listening is a valuable skill that can improve any interpersonal interaction.It involves paying attention to not just what your child is saying but also to their body language. You cannot multitask while engaging in active listening. It involves a complete focus on understanding and integrating everything the other party expresses. Active listening can help you better understand your child’s feelings and thoughts, leading to improved communication and a closer bond.
Active listening means staying compassionate and resisting expressing personal feelings, such as boredom, frustration, or anxiety. Simply be in the moment with your child and give them center stage. Once your child has finished talking, a more two-way dialogue can occur.
3) Treat your child respectfully as you would an adult. Although it is essential to modify language and content to your child’s experience level, treating them as if you were a peer or colleague can be helpful. In other words, do not condescend to your child or use baby talk. Avoid saying, “That is silly,” or “You always do that.” These kinds of phrases can feel shaming to a child who is trying to open up and share their vulnerability with you. Your child, regardless of their age, will appreciate that.
4) Do not be offended if your child does not want to talk, even after you use the more open-ended questions above. Like adults, children process their day and emotions in their way. It can be challenging in the evenings when exhausted, and their emotional battery is empty. If this is the case, state what you observe: “I see you do not feel like talking much. I get it; you must be tired.” These statements help your child reflect on their emotions, building self-awareness and resilience. Remember, your child can learn from any interaction with you regardless if they are fully engaged.
5) Reassure Through Responses, not by offering solutions or getting frustrated when you think your child mishandled something. Use body language such as head nodding and good eye contact. Acknowledge their emotions using phrases like “I can see why that might be hard” or “If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way.” Even if you do not fully relate to their experience, work at putting yourself entirely in their place, with their limited knowledge and resultant lack of perspective and insight. Validate using phrases such as “It makes sense if you were sad when you did not know where to sit at lunch. You were not planning on that” or “I can see why math would be hard if you are not used to the same teacher you had last year.”
6) Use ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ to create a more positive tone. This linguistic shift allows two truths to be accurate simultaneously. For instance, you can say, “I understand that math is challenging for you, and I know there are ways we can get you the help you need to feel better about it.” These phrases do not dismiss your child’s negative feelings. Instead, they acknowledge the difficulties and provide hope for improvement. They also lead to collaborative problem-solving, fostering a sense of optimism and hope.
7) Relate to your own experience if appropriate. For instance, you can relate your child’s first day of school to one of your own, such as, “Hey- I am impressed you got through your first day. I remember my first day of work, and I was so nervous I almost turned around before I got into the building.” This approach helps to normalize your child’s emotions and let them know that anxiety is normal and present across ages, even in those they respect the most.
8) Keep a sense of humor or offer some fun. Whenever possible, try to bring out a chuckle in your kid. Life can get overly serious, and humor can diffuse a difficult conversation and allow your child to ease up. After all, we all feel better when we are laughing. Depending on your child’s age, this can mean showing a picture of something silly, like a pig with a mustache, telling a joke, or telling a funny story about yourself. Make sure that the humor is not about your child’s feelings or behavior but rather your shared laughter. This approach can help parents and kids feel more lighthearted and relaxed.
9) Ask them to do something you know they will like. When your child does not want to talk to you, respect it and offer to play around with them instead. This might mean watching a show or a game when they finish their homework or offering to make them their favorite meal for dinner. Younger kids might benefit from reading a book together, building a Lego tower, or playing make-believe. Remember, any engagement is progress.
10) End on a positive note, no matter what. When your kids are open, thank them for sharing with you. Appreciate their willingness to tell you about their day. Appropriate gratitude and praise whenever possible fuels their confidence and makes it more likely they will speak to you next time. If your conversation goes nowhere, you can still thank them for sharing an ice cream or being a test audience for your joke. Regardless, ending on a positive note creates a welcoming environment for future communication and growth between you and your children.
If you’re looking for more ways to connect with your child or need guidance in improving communication, Midtown Practice is here to help. Our team of experienced professionals specializes in fostering strong family bonds and offering support for parents and children alike. Don’t hesitate to reach out—schedule a consultation today and let us guide you toward a deeper connection with your family.
