Imagine having to start a new job, surrounded by peers you do not know, with a new boss who would evaluate you daily. How would you feel? Scared and anxious? Adults often forget what we expect of our kids every September and how we would feel if we were in the same position. This ritual is further complicated by the fact that most  children and adolescents struggle to identify their feelings, let alone manage them. Here are some steps you can take to help our children face this challenge with more finesse.

Step one: Identify when your child is anxious

Most kids do not know how to distinguish between negative emotions. When younger children feel anxious, they might be more irritable, throw tantrums, or complain of physical symptoms. Every September, pediatricians receive many calls about tummy aches and headaches. Although it is always important to rule out a medical issue, many times, these are physical manifestations of anxiety. 

Teenagers will show their worry in other ways. They isolate, appear sullen and retreat into their rooms. Most often, they will deny that anything is wrong. Kids of all ages are not emotionally sophisticated enough to identify when they are worried. They  communicate their feelings with anger or irritability, often directed at you. Their negative behavior is an effort to avoid looking vulnerable.

Step two: How to Keep Your Cool as a Parent

Although kids might show anxiety differently, there is usually a common theme. Parents feel the brunt of it. Although it does not feel great, this is a healthy sign. It means that your children trust you will be there for them regardless of their behavior. In other words, they feel safe with you when showing their emotions.  Your role here is not to react. Stay calm by reminding yourself that the lashing out is aimed at you, but it has nothing to do with you. Although it does not feel good to be the target of a tantrum, your kids are handling their emotions the best they know how. 

Step three: Why Waiting for Things to Cool Off Helps

The human brain does not function well when we are under stress.  When we are anxious, our bodies and nerve cells secrete chemicals to protect us from a physical threat. As our body prepares to flee from danger, the more sophisticated parts of our brains are suppressed and inactive. From an evolutionary standpoint, when we are in physical danger, analyzing and second guessing will not help.  We simply need to run as fast as we can to safety. Our IQ actually goes down, as our body responds to physical threat. During this time, your kids will not be able to listen to reason, or receive your support. It is important to give them space. Let the tantrum or irritability dissipate before you approach them. 

Step four: Listen and ask open-ended questions

After things have cooled off, try to avoid discipline or shaming.  With younger children, you might ask them if they want to play, or  engage in a game or project. With adolescents, acknowledge that there seems to be something bothering them. Then, start asking open-ended questions such as, how did it go today? Or is something worrying you? How is your teacher? Teenagers who respond with one-word answers might do better with “Tell me about your day” or “Is there anything you need right now that you do not have?” 

Once your child starts talking, try to listen without interrupting or trying to fix it. Kids often need to vent. Do your best to connect with them, using body language such as nodding your head and using phrases such as “That is understandable” or “If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way.”  Do not downplay their concerns. Whatever they are experiencing is the most important thing at the moment. When appropriate, hugs can be helpful. 

Step five: Reassure and Problem Solve

After you have heard your child’s concerns and allowed them to express themselves fully, reassure them that everyone feels anxious and worried, regardless of the swagger they show on the outside.  You might want to tell your child that you realize a lot is expected of them and that most adults rarely face the challenge they face every September. Remind them that success is not measured by how someone performs on the first day of school or even the first month. If they are experiencing a particular problem with a teacher or student, try to problem-solve. And if after careful consideration it seems like an issue beyond their control, you can work with the school or other individuals to manage a crisis.

In conclusion, first day of school jitters are universal, and our job as parents is to read our children’s behavior. Rarely will a child be able to articulate how they are feeling. They are more likely to show you with how they are acting, which is often negatively directed at you. Remember to keep your cool, allow them to express themselves, and work to reassure and problem solve once they have settled down. And of course, if it seems your child does not respond to these suggestions, reach out to a professional. 

At The Midtown Practice, we offer therapy for parents, families, and children over 12 years. Reach out to us with whatever problem you are experiencing, and we will match you with someone who can help sort through you and your childs struggle together.