Navigating a relationship with a narcissistic or borderline parent can feel like a game of damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Predicting what will trigger a negative response and lead to your parent’s emotional volatility is difficult. This is compounded by the fact that identical behaviors can produce different reactions at different times, leading to feelings of confusion and helplessness for their children.

It is helpful to understand that individuals with Narcissistic and Borderline Personality Disorders (NPD or BPD) have intense emotional responses that stem from a lack of self-awareness, not from their children’s behavior. Nevertheless, these parents do not understand that their actions cause their unhappiness. These individuals can often be treated with psychotherapy and, at times, medication. However, due to their lack of emotional intelligence, they rarely seek treatment. They are inflexible and do not take accountability for interpersonal difficulties.

As a child of someone with NPD or BPD, it is essential to accept the fact that you cannot change your parents, nor is it your responsibility to do so. Sometimes, the safest way to have a relationship with your parent is to protect yourself by setting boundaries. Setting boundaries can help you maintain a relationship with the affected parent without sacrificing your well-being.

Here is how to begin:

1. Understand the Dynamics:

• Narcissistic Parents: Narcissistic parents are self-centered and tend to overestimate their abilities. They devalue those around them and blame others when they are not recognized for their perceived achievements. As the child of someone with NPD, you might often feel belittled or unrecognized. This is painful and confusing for children, as they lack the perspective that their parent’s behavioral patterns are rooted in deep-seated insecurities.
• Borderline Parents: Borderline parents struggle with emotional regulation and tend to have extreme reactions. They oscillate between being intensely loving one moment and rageful the next, leaving the child insecure and frightened. With siblings, they might engage in “splitting” by idealizing one child and denigrating the other. As the child of someone with BPD, this behavior is scary and threatening; however, it is rooted in their parents’ fear of abandonment and vulnerability.

Recognizing these patterns is essential for setting boundaries and avoiding self-blame.

2. Identify Behaviors that Upset and Trigger You:

Reflect on past interactions with your parents and identify the situations that leave you feeling unsettled and/or powerless. If this is not immediately apparent, start journaling, documenting your feelings, and linking them to either interactions or situations that remind you of painful incidents with your parents. Some of these might include:

• Excessive criticism or judgment: Parents with BPD and NPD often devalue their children. There is an intense need for their child to agree with them or constantly show love and respect.
• Emotional dumping: Parents with NPD and BPD overwhelm their children with their issues without taking into account their behavior. They often repeat the same complaints without being open to solutions or feedback.
• Boundary violations: These could involve unsolicited advice, asking inappropriate questions, over-disclosing information, and excessive attention-seeking.
• Manipulation and guilt trips: Parents with BPD and NPD both share the victim mentality and place blame on those around them for their disappointments. These parents make their children feel guilty and use techniques such as gaslighting and stonewalling when confronted.

3. Set Clear and Concise Boundaries:

Once you’ve identified these behaviors, prepare to respond differently next time you experience them. In general, try to respond as unemotionally as possible. Use “I” statements to express your needs. Explain how you are feeling objectively and calmly. For example:

• “Although I am not available to talk every night, I can call you at X time on X day.”
• “I’m sorry you are not feeling well, and I want you to feel better, but I cannot physically be with you.”
• “I am going to get off the phone now because it is painful when you speak like this, and I need to prioritize how I feel.”
• “Please do not accuse me of abandoning you. I would never abandon you, but I am uncomfortable doing what you ask.”

Be prepared for pushback. Narcissistic and borderline parents resist boundaries because they threaten their sense of control. Stay firm and consistent, reiterating your boundaries as needed.

4. Enforce Consequences:

Boundaries without consequences are suggestions. If your parent violates your boundaries, follow through with consequences. This could include:

• Limiting contact: Reduce the frequency or duration of your interactions.
• Ending conversations: If your parent becomes abusive or disrespectful, politely end the conversation and walk away.
• Taking a break: If the situation becomes overwhelming, take a temporary break from the relationship.

Remember, consequences are not meant to punish your parent. They are a way to protect yourself and reinforce your boundaries.

5. Manage Expectations:

It’s essential to have realistic expectations. Your parent may only partially understand or respect your boundaries. The goal is not to change your parents; it is simply to manage them so you do not leave a conversation feeling powerless or enraged. Those with NPD and BPD can be very challenging. Remember to center yourself by focusing on your reaction and behavior instead of trying to control your parent’s thoughts or feelings. Remind yourself that you are doing your best, and reframe your goals as achieving progress, not perfection.

7. Embrace the Good:

Relationships are complex and multifaceted. By setting boundaries, the hope is to achieve real moments of connection with your parent while protecting yourself from their damaging behaviors. No one is all good or all bad. Your parent might have a healthy side to them, and when you can align with that, you can experience bonding and affection.

7. Seek Professional Help:

If you’re struggling to set boundaries or cope with the emotional impact of your parent’s behavior, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Our clinicians can help you unpack the difficult moments in your childhood so that they do not rule your behavior as an adult. Many adult children of parents with BPD or NPD often choose partners and friends with personality disorders. Working with one of the clinicians at The Midtown Practice can help you identify your blind spots and help you choose and maintain healthy relationships based on mutual love, trust, and respect.

Remember, you deserve to be happy and healthy, even if your parent struggles to feel fulfilled. Do not let the damage you suffered as a child overwhelm you as an adult. Through acceptance and self-awareness, you can learn to manage your parents with effective boundary-setting and live according to your values instead of senselessly trying to please someone else.