The term “narcissist” is used frequently these days. It might surprise you, however,  that almost everyone has a degree of narcissism. After all, how could we survive without some level of self-importance? At times we need some hubris to face challenges, achieve our goals, and thrive in a world of nearly 8 billion people. Narcissism can be healthy when it helps us realize our ambition or creates positive self-esteem. Parents often work hard to make their children feel special and unique, motivating them to compete and stand up for themselves. Narcissistic traits, which are ubiquitous, are distinct from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is characterized by exploitative, unempathetic behavior and an unhealthy preoccupation with oneself and the admiration of others.

How Can You Tell if Your Partner Has Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

Since it is normal, even healthy, to have a degree of narcissism, how can we determine when it is too much? Ideally, we have flexible personality traits that allow us to adapt to different environments. People with personality disorders, on the other hand, tend to be rigid and inflexible, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms. The exact causes of personality disorders remain unclear, but it is believed they result from a combination of genetic, early childhood, and environmental factors.

Individuals with NPD have a rigid and pervasive sense of grandiosity, lack empathy, and crave adoration. This prevents them from having meaningful relationships beyond a superficial level. They are often unlikable and bring chaos into the lives of others. This interferes with their ability to function socially and professionally.

NPD is also associated with certain behaviors, described below.

• Easily Threatened: Narcissists tend to get angry when you prioritize your own needs. They do not like sharing the spotlight and may become sullen if their spouse or partner achieves something. While many narcissists can be initially seductive and charming, they fail to take responsibility for their behavior and blame others when they are wrong. They are unable to admit when they need help or feel vulnerable.
• Gaslighting: A narcissist’s inability to take responsibility or apologize often leads to gaslighting – a manipulative tactic where someone makes others question their own reality, memories, or judgment. Narcissists use gaslighting to make others feel bad when they are confronted. Examples include using your vulnerabilities against you, denying actions that hurt you, or accusing you of being “needy” or “clingy” when you attempt to hold them accountable. If you confront your partner with legitimate complaints and they respond with phrases like “It didn’t happen like that” or “You must be losing your mind,” you might be a victim of gaslighting.
• Lack of Empathy: Another common trait of NPD is a lack of empathy for others. Narcissists see others as inferior. Their grandiosity leads them to dismiss or belittle those questioning their viewpoint or ego. When someone with NPD perceives others as threatening, their defense mechanisms kick in, leading them to belittle or threaten the perceived challenger. If their defenses are overwhelmed, this can lead to a narcissistic injury, causing them to become violent or vindictive.

How Did I Fall for Someone with NPD, and Can I Make This Work?

It is very difficult, if not impossible, to have a satisfying and intimate long-term relationship with someone with NPD. Their constant manipulation is exhausting and confusing. During the pursuit phase, narcissists can shower you with attention and profess their love early on. This can feel seductive and gratifying, but it is challenging to get close to someone with NPD as they are incapable of building an equal and trusting partnership. Their lack of empathy prevents them from understanding another’s needs and compromising their own for yours. This behavior causes feelings of isolation and loneliness for the healthy partner.

Navigating Life with a Narcissistic Partner: Tips for Self-Care and Boundaries

• Do not blame yourself: Narcissists can be charming and charismatic. They are often experts at infatuation but cannot sustain a relationship once that phase is over and real-life problems and challenges arise. It is not your fault for missing the signs earlier, but it is crucial not to remain complacent once you do. Unfortunately, most people with NPD are resistant to change because they cannot accept their own imperfections.
• Set boundaries: Once you realize your partner has NPD, it is crucial to set boundaries. You can do this by communicating your limits and excusing yourself when you sense you are being manipulated. Challenging a narcissist is usually ineffective, but you can prioritize your own health and well-being by engaging in pleasurable activities, hobbies, or other relationships.
• Seek support: Be aware that setting boundaries could feel threatening to someone with NPD. Reach out to friends and family and make them aware of your situation. Set up a safety plan with them if you feel emotionally or physically threatened. When in need, you can also seek help from national organizations such as The National Domestic Violence Hotline or Narcissistic Support groups.
• Avoid unnecessary communication: Breaking up with a narcissist can be difficult. They may manipulate in an effort to control their partner. If you end a relationship with a narcissist, the best course is to cut off all communication. This includes social media, texting, calling, and in-person meetings. If you are in a situation where you share custody or have unavoidable interactions, keep them minimal and brief.
• Consider professional help: If you suspect your partner is a narcissist and are confused about what to do, contact us at The Midtown Practice. We will match you with an appropriate clinician to help you decide whether your relationship is workable or it is time to prepare a safe exit strategy.  

Conclusion

If you are constantly manipulated and belittled by your partner, you could be in a relationship with someone with NPD. If you suspect this is the case, it is essential to set boundaries and prioritize your emotional and physical safety. This usually means seeking support from friends and family or pursuing professional help. Remember, although no one is perfect, healthy relationships are marked by mutual respect, trust, compromise, and understanding. It is never too late to remove yourself from a destructive partner. Your freedom is worth the necessary albeit difficult effort to extract yourself from an unhealthy and damaging relationship.